Narcissist or Not?

I think i might finally be willing to accept without guilt that I dont actually like my family. If there wasnt a fear of regret/grief process for when people eventually die, I dont think I would associate with them. In fact, I have no idea if I actually love them vs. being in their lives out of obligation. I also dont know I am the problem. In any case if their wasnt the fear of grief, I wouldnt be here. Maybe even become a hermit, especially if I am the problem. Sad thing is when they are not around i forget. I hate life. All suffering all the time, no escape. Nothing works. And it is ALL bad unless we pretend it isnt.