Sunday, January 19, 2025

Is My Father an Askhole?

My father has only reached out to me when he wants something. Sometimes i feel like of he does ask about me it is put of social strategy to keep me from abandoning him. Who knows. Sometimes he asks me questions just to argue with the answer. Sometimes i may be on high alert/on guard when i may not need to be. Maybe I've watched too many Dr. Ramani videos. Maybe I haven't watched enough. Who knows. Last night he texted me about a computer he was thinking about buying. Assuming he would argue with anything i say that isnt exactly what he wanted to hear, i waited until the morning to answer. I am proud I didnt succumb to my usual "urgency" in needing to save/serve him. Was I overreacting? Who knows. I answered him honestly after Carefully selecting my words in the hopes that my response is as close to bulletproof as possible to avoid getting sucked into drama/debate. I said that I personally wouldnt buy that computer. He said ok he wont! He then asked for my help in selecting one. I mentioned that I personally (being careful not to tell him what to do) would play around at a physical store and pick one up that he liked brick-n-mortar style. I also mentioned that it would prob be a certain minimum price. Triple what he wants to spend but i dont want to get involved in the game of trying to get something for near nothint, a game he is addicted to and ends up spending more in the long run with a lot of stress to those around him. Like a gambler. I also mentioned that i have had luck with CDW and then picking it up in person. He said he doesnt want to spend that money. Then he asked what is CDW? Now I am annoyed because he could have just googled CDW. He is adept and searching when he wants to gather b.s. information to try to prove someone wrong (another game he is addicted to). I am ignoring the question. And am journaling instead. And now am plagued eith fears: what if he does now and this was our last convo? will i regret not responding? Maybe he is just trying to connect with me and has no other methodology? Or is he being an askhole? Who knows. Sad part is i will probably come up with some answer/respond -- and then regret my weakness for responding. Lose lose. Or should i just respond the obvious "it is a store" and sit in fear of the next question? Who knows. I want to respond, "I dont think i can find anything that i would recommend in your price criteria." Wimp. Hopefully I at least can wait til he asks again (he will probably move on to his next whim) and stop concerning myself over fear of regret. Fear. Insecurity. Self-seeking.

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