Decisions

I keep hitting these decision points where i feel like my actions influence my future well being or past actions have influenced current well being/anything I feel is a problem. This can't be true can it? Why do i still feel this way? I should know better by now. I should stop having shoulds!! Inescapable fractal loop/paradox. Like a mirror placed in front of another mirror. If indeed I am only looking at myself, then why do I care? Why do I care that I got 2 faint "fit" tests (F.I. tests?) in a row. What if i have cancer and should do something? what if doing something is a mistake? If every move/or not move has consequences and i have no choice but to move/not move then wt ever loving F?!!! What is this ridiculous situation I keep finding myself in? Why do i care? I want a permanent flow state. But why cant i get what i want in a permananent fashion? I am told because there is no me to actually want. I have tried seeing everything os what i always wanted. But even that is temporary. Enlightenment seems temporary eveb though they say it isnt. Nobody is actually enlightened, we hear about in mythology or possibly hearsay but why has nobody actually succeeded for Real? What is going on. Why do I care? Caring for my well being is a massive unwinnable burden, yet i cant stop because that would alao be for my well being which is a game i cant win. Not physically, not psychologically. Yet i keep playing like a gambler in a casino with a gun to his head forcing him to play. That is my "current" life experience. Current is in quotes because even this notion is unstable nonsense. No control. Not even over accepting there is no control. Nothing sticks. Suffering. Ugh.