life's challenges

In limbo whether i should care or oractice not caring over all the annoyances of life. Went to check a camera, stopped working suddenly. My income is under attack because of beauracratic red tape and review periods. I cant tell if i am sane or not. I have habits that i love but feel guilty for having them like i should quit doing them Before consequences start. Or maybe i am denial of consequences. In meditation i do a not this not this - is that lriming me for denial? is that the mindset of control that makea my elders so anxiety drigen and in denial over anything? I hate being human. It is so terrifying all the time.